Death by Apples: A Parody
by jmkw
Summary: A genderbending parody of Snow White...all because of an old Waldorf salad...


Disclaimer:  Don't own them, just like to torment them....thanks to jordangirl for giving me the idea and the support!

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_"I'm going to die.... that's all there is to it."_

_"You're not going to die..."_

_"How do you know?  You only see people after they're dead....I'm going to die."_

_"You're not going die...."  _

_"Will you cry over my casket __Jordan__?"_

_"You're not going to die...now give me your keys."_

_Woody held out the keys to his apartment with one hand and his stomach with the other.  He should have never eaten that Waldorf salad at lunch.  __Jordan__ had said it looked a little green but he ate it anyway.  It was only on the way back to the morgue from the restaurant that he realized that it wasn't just food coloring.  _

_A quick trip to the emergency room proved that he was the victim of food poisoning.  Some fluids and a little sleep were prescribed. _

_"If I'm not dieing, then here, take my gun and shoot me with it..." _

_Jordan__ opened the door to his apartment and helped Woody inside.  "For the last time you're not dieing...but keep it up and I will shot you.  Now go get out of those clothes and into bed."_

_"Oh God, I must already be dead...I flew straight passed Purgatory and landed in Hell.....  Jordan Cavanaugh has just told me to strip and get into bed and all I can think of is; why my stomach is trying to find a way to exit my body through my aching head."_

_"Just go get in bed."_

_Woody stumbled into his bedroom, dropping his clothes as he went.  Once in bed he pulled the covers up over his ears.  Jay was back._

_---jay, jay, whee-oodle, jay, jay---_

_Jordan__ came into the room carrying a bucket and a glass of water.  "What the hell is that?" she said looking out the window._

_"The bane of my existence, present company excluded, that's Jay."_

_Jordan__ opened the bedroom window and noticed the male blue jay sitting on the fire escape.  It was cawing wildly at her, not at all intimidated by her presence.  Woody's hoarse voice made her turn back to look at him._

_"The damn thing starts about __6AM__ every morning.  It must come over from the park.  I made the mistake of starting to feed it...now it won't go away."_

_Jordan__ looked out the window at the bird that was standing a bread plate that matched the china drying in Woody's sink.  "I see..."_

_"Can you do me a favor and put some of that sunflower seed...right over there...out. Maybe he'll go away." _

_Jordan__ did as he asked "You're a regular Snow White, Woody.  Pasty pale skin, poison apples and now troubled blue birds...."_

_"Yeah, but I thought Snow White just fell into a magical sleep."_

_"You'll be there soon enough.  I need to get back to the diamond mine, I'm sure the 'Wicked Witch of the Courthouse' is staring into to her caldron right now,and one of her monkeys is probably pacing the halls as we speak waiting for that report on the Muncie case...."_

_"I think you have your fairy tales mixed up Snow White had a Wicked Queen and Magic Mirror..."_

_"Sorry, I never could keep those 'Wicked's' entirely straight.   I'll stop be later to make sure you are still alive..."_

_"So it's true...you think I'm going to die."_

_"You're not going to die!  Just get some sleep" _

_As __Jordan__ turned to leave Woody could have sworn he heard her begin to sing 'Whistle While You Work.'  Pre-death delirium has set in was the last thought he had as he drifted off into an uncomfortable sleep................ _

................ ---jay, jay, whee-oodle, jay, jay.......churlee, churleeeee, ---

"Damn it Jay, would you shut up!  I'm trying to sleep here!"

---churlee, churleeee--- 

Woody opened his eyes to see the sun shining through the open window in his office.  Another night in the office, I should just give up my apartment and move in here. He thought to himself.  As he stood to close the window, he thought about the weird dream he just had.  Usually when he has a dream with Jordan in it, it doesn't include rotten food and mind numbing pain.

Putting those thoughts out of his mind Woody sat back down and picked up the Muncie file.  A slam dunk.  The IRS accountant put three slugs in his estranged wife in front of a dozen witnesses.  It was a very 'civil' case; he even shot her in triplicate.  All he had to do was cross the T's and dot the I's and pass it on to the DA's office.  Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Come in" Woody looked up to see Eddie Winslow walk in and shut the door behind him. "Eddie what's up?"  

"I'm sorry to have to do this..." Eddie pulled out a bowie knife.  

Woody stood and reached for his side arm, it wasn't there.  "What the hell..."

"I can't, I can't do it...Please forgive me."

Woody cautiously walked around his desk. "What is going on here?"

"Rancid Waldorf salad, Hoyt.  You really should have listened to Jordan.   Now I'm supposed to kill you.   The Queen sent me...she wants you dead."

"The Queen?"

"Yeah, you know 'Mirror, Mirror on the wall'...The Queen of the Courthouse. She says your inattention to detail has lost the Muncie case."

"What? The Muncie case is air tight!  He shot his wife three times in front of a crowd."

"That's the point he shot her FOUR times!  Quick Run! Run away!  Hide!  In the woods...."

"There are no woods in Boston..."

"You have a point, Run! Anywhere! Now go! Go! Go!"  

"I don't think so...."

"Hey, hey you have to stay with the story, Snow boy...you're supposed to run through the forest get scared by woodland animals and end up at the dwarfs place...Give me that Muncie file.  I need proof to take back to Walcott.  She wants your heart in a box, but she'll settle for this.  Here give me a pencil..." Eddie sat the file back down on the desk and made a few notes. "There, four bullet holes....that should keep her busy for awhile.  You know the story she's going to be on to you before long.  Better you being Snow White then me."

"Hey wait, how can I be Snow White?  Snow White's a girl..."

"Just like Jordan is supposed to be a boy's name....now go!"

Woody opened his door and stepped into the hallway of the morgue.  "I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore..."  

Woody looked around the hallways trying to figure out where everyone was when around the corner came a perfectly straight line of people, led by Dr. Macy.

"We dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, in the mine the whole day through. We dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, it's what we like to do...."

"Ah man, that's just sick!"

From the middle of the line Woody heard, "Sick is watching you braf up a lung on the side of the road Woody...although it added to my day by being able to say I told you so..." 

"Jiminy Crickets!"  Garret said as he stopped the parade. 

"Let me guess...you're the dwarfs..."

"You better believe it...and aren't you supposed to be cooking.  The real Snow White cooked."

"Sorry, food is about the last thing on my mind right now." 

Bug looked around the line at Woody, "Ha, I knew it...I felt trouble brewing all day... This verifies it; Walcott will soon be down on us like locust, devouring everything in her path."   

"Hey brubs..." 

"Cal, what are you doing here?"

Cal waved. "You were one dwarf to short dude; hey, that was funny dwarf...short..." 

"Let me guess ....Dopey huh?"

Lily fell out of the line sneezing repeatedly "Sorry, allergies"

"Gee, Lily I thought you would be Happy."

"Sorry farm boy, that's me" Jordan looked around Nigel's arm.

"Jordan, you are singularly, the most, unhappy person I have ever met."

"Hey, babysitting your sick ass in the Emergency Room got me out of a meeting with the ADA.  Between that and telling you--I told you so; I'm feeling pretty good." 

"But I thought you and the ADA..."

"Don't go there cowboy..."     

"Bug's right" Garret commented "Be careful, search everything.  Nigel, wake up! You never know where one of the Queen's flying monkeys will show up."

"Hey, this is Snow White!" 

"*yawn* He does have a point there Dr. Macy. *yawn*, if you didn't have to get up so bloody early to catch the train...but I digress, He does have sweat plastered dark hair from the breaking fever, Bloody red lips from repeated jaw clenching due to the nausea and of course the unnatural greenish white paler due to the introduction of hostile bacteria into his system due to ingestion of day old mayonnaise.  Actually he makes a stunning Snow White."

"Just say he's got food poisoning Nigel that's why we are here in the first place *achoo!*"

"I told you so farm boy...."

"I'm as mad as hornets; I say we get rid of him as soon as possible.  Ms. Walcott will be here soon and let's face it at all his fault that we are in the line of fire...."

"I told you so farm boy...."

 "Jordan if you please I'm trying to make a point here!"

"Sorry"

"Four bullet holes, Count. Even a simpleton could have seen that."

"Count.... I get it....One bullet hole....Two bullet hole...Three bullet...."

"Cal would you shut up!..... As I was saying; she's an old witch...if the Queen finds him here she'll swoop down and wreak her havoc on us all!  She has eyes in every wall! She knows everything.  She's full of black magic. She can make herself invisible!!! She may even be in this very room!!!"

"Calm down Bug!  We have work to do." 

As Garret spoke everyone fell into line and began marching off to Autopsy. 

 "Hey wait, Cal, why are you going in there!"

"Work dude! You're always telling me to get a real job. How hard can it be?  It can't be any different than gutting a deer!"

Peter walked passed Woody, "Hey Peter, are you suppose to be Bashful?"

"Just because I'm the new guy....Nobody else wanted it...God, I hate being the new guy.  I get no respect.   If you think I'm going to blush and make eyes at you; you're sadly mistaken Detective Hoyt. And if you even try to kiss the top of my head.... I know ways to kill a man that can never be proved..." 

"We've been over this Dr. Winslow." Garret said "Bug is Grumpy you're Bashful...now get to work before I suspend you indefinitely.  Hoyt." 

Once the hallway was cleared Woody heard the elevator opening out of the car walked Max.

"Woody, Jordan called and said you were under the weather. Sorry to hear it."

"Thanks Max.  Um, what are you doing in my.... delirium?"

"Oh, just stopped by...Here I brought you this..." 

Max handed Woody a paper bag. "It's from the drug store on the corner.  I have had my share of food poisoning. 30 years of eating who knows what, always on the run ...But spoiled apple salad, it was green for Christ sake.....not smart."

From deep inside the autopsy room they heard "I told him so, Dad!" 

Woody opens the bag "Pepto Bismol?"

"Wonder drug Woody; nothing works better.  When you wake up, you're going to be in a world of hurt. Go ahead drink up!"

Woody opened the bottle and took a slug.  He coughed a few times. "That stuff has more of a kick to it then I remember....."  

Pain.  The mind numbing, intense pain was back.  Woody looked up at Max who is no longer there but has been replaced with Ms. Walcott.

After an evil cackle she said "Always the gullible one, aren't you Hoyt? You have made my work more difficult for the last time!"  She disappeared in a cloud of smoke.  Woody leaned up against the wall holding his stomach.  The doors of autopsy open and everyone filed out in their line followed by Cal who was pushing a gurney.

"Hop on there brubs, and you'll be in the crypt in a jiffy."

"I haven't fallen asleep yet."

"You're already there dude...And he thinks I'm Dopey." 

Woody lied down on the gurney. "I'm suppose to die and the Prince comes.." 

"I told you, you're not dieing cowboy...men; what is it with them and a little pain." 

"We have a slight problem..." Bug points out. 

"I told you I know ways to kill a man....." 

"That's not it Peter, we ran out of people. We have no Prince!"

"*achoo* That is a problem.  If the Prince doesn't come and take him away we'll be stuck with him forever.  Nigel do you have a tissue? Nigel! Wake up! I don't want to spend eternity sneezing my fool head off. It's getting old."

"There's only one logical conclusion to this." Nigel stepped up to a computer that has magical appeared in the hallway. "Computer matchmaking!"

"No that, *achoo*, won't work...it has to be someone he knows.  Dr. Macy, what about Abby...?"

"Now there's someone that could make me blush...Hey, let's kill him now and start over..." Peter grabbed the gurney.

"You're already on my shit list Winslow, don't push it...." Garret warned.  "There's only one possibility..."

All eyes turn to Jordan.  "No, no way I'm Happy."

"Darling, *yawn* you have already kissed him once, and you didn't run away screaming..."

"You didn't just see what came out of his mouth all over Market Street. Sorry, I have to draw the line somewhere..."

"Cool, all in favor of putting him out of his misery and starting over, raise your hands.... one... two... three.... four,five,six....seven.  Majority rules."

"Cal! You're my brother, my wingman, you too?"

"Hey, bro with you out of the picture maybe Happy and I can go out for a drink."

"Sounds good to me...Cal, are you a cop?" Jordan said linking her arm with his.   

"Nope"

"No weird hobbies..."

"Just beautiful brunettes."

"Cal! Cal! Get back here so I kick your ass Cal, where are you going?"

Peter began to roll the gurney toward the crypt.  "Just lay back Detective Hoyt, this won't take long...."

"Jordan stop, help I don't want to die! Jordan!"..............................

_......................................"__Jordan__!"_

_"Snap out of it Hoyt.  I could hear you screaming down the hallway.   For the hundredth time, you're not going to die.  Now get up in get in the shower you stink."_

_"Thank God you're here __Jordan__. I just had the worst dream..."_

_"Molotov Waldorf will do that to you Woody." _

_"It was so real..."_

_"Fever induced delirium usually is..." __Jordan__ felt his forehead. "...Yeah, the fever's gone you should be Ok by morning."  _

_Jordan__ turned to leave the room and was stopped when Woody asked "The __Muncie__ case.  Did you catch up with the DA office on it?"_

_"Unfortunately, yes." __Jordan__ muttered a few colorful words concluding with a "jackass"_

_"Jordan, one more thing, uh mm, how many bullets where there?"___

_"Three. Why?"_

_"Just checking..."_

_"Oh Ok.... Hey I brought you over some of that chicken soup from the deli down by Dad's place.  Mrs. Goldstein's broth cures everything I warm some up."_

_Jordan__ left the room followed closely by Woody who was making his way toward the bathroom.  Woody thought to himself that he was starting to feel like he wouldn't die after all. _

_"Oh yeah, I also brought over that pink stuff Dad swears by for upset stomach.  I left it in the bathroom....."_

_"NOOOOO!"___

_The End_


End file.
